I understand your thesis, but I'm sure there is another way to word it out in order to make it more solid. What I have thought out was something like "The feeling of emptiness comes from our self-conscious mentality of how we are distinguished by society".
I also didn't quite see the thesis being incorporated into the intro, it might be my fault, but try to Bold/Italicize the thesis.
The balance of the paper seems very off. The first paragraph where you talk about the basics of emptiness and cool seem to overwhelm the other two sections. It'd be better if you balanced it out while inputing your thesis into every body paragraph.
Looking forward to seeing your final!
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