I love your introduction, and how it flows. Although overall it isn't very long, it definitely has all the elements an introduction needs. The alluring hook at the beginning of your sentence, and your unique wording while describing technology through your perspective.
I also like how you incorperated real life situations into your argument. Unlike using other quotes from online news articles, it gave me a better understanding of what you are getting at. You also managed to balance out the two perspectives on digital technology, which connects directly back to your thesis.
Only thing I would like you to improve on is the usage of evidence. Though using real life examples can be very fortifying and can broaden your arguments, I feel that quotes from articles, newspapers, etc. can also be very beneficial in proving your point. Also the length of your conclusion should be longer. It would feel nicer if you had a deeper conclusion since you already have strong arguments.
So far I'm liking where your paper is headed. Looking forward to reading your final draft!
Dear Jace I also agree with Hannah. I see that you are trying your best to focus your arguments towards the topic of how we are too connected to cellphones, but I think its best you widen the range of technology to get the most out of your insight on digital technology. The way you utilized the results from the interview assignment is good though. It directly applies to your argument and it should definitely be incorporated into your final draft. The way you connected phone usage to relationships is a good idea, but simply saying we substitute relationships with cellphones is a little much. Unless you have the right information to back up the statement. An alternative you might like to consider is instead of bashing at how bad cellphone usage is, try viewing the topic from both ends like Hannah did. It will help you build length as well as deepen your insight. I hope you can pull it off. Looking forward to seeing the outcome!
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